White Mom

Hailey Brunson

“’Fair’ is the stupidest word humans ever invented, except for ‘staycation’” -Shawn, The Good Place

CHARACTERS
BIRACIAL WOMAN – Genetically 50% Black and 50% White, like exactly – it is unfounded. About 25 years old. Trying her best to remain who she is.

WHITE MOM – Genetically 100% White. About 55 years old. Trying her “best” to be someone she is not.

BLACK DAD – Genetically 100% Black. About 55 years old. Trying his “best” to be someone he is not.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE- A great voice that better have people questioning his ethnicity. Not good at going off script.

SETTING
Purgatory – Heavens’ waiting room.

SET
There is the door to White Heaven. Feel free to decorate it with every White person trope you can dream of. There is also the door to Black Heaven, please treat it with the same love as White Heaven. There should also be a door to Hell. Hell does not have any racial preference. There is should be a sign above each door. Other than those things the space is bare, purgatory is just a waiting room after all.

NOTES
This play is 10 minutes. No more. No less. Time should always feel present.

The echoing clock tick should build in intensity as time runs out.

SCENE 1

Purgatory – Heavens’ waiting room, where BIRACIAL WOMAN has a choice to make.
A light ticking of a clock. Lights up on BIRACIAL WOMAN. She has no idea where she is. Ticking ends.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
What the fu– 

            A ding sounds. 

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Hello. Welcome to Purgatory – the Heavens’ waiting room. Now, you have 10 minutes here and not a second more. A little rushed? Yes. We managed to use all but 10 of your allocated Biracial Purgatory minutes debating your racial makeup before we realized we should give you some time to decide, since you are a complex case!

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Complex case?

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
You are confused. Hm.

Well the more racially diverse you are, the longer you get in Purgatory. Typically, people only get about 45 minutes to an hour here. They are usually the English/Irish combo and those people are simply almost always upset they were not more Irish.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Irish? What?

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Oh. Now I see! It seems I have skipped a crucial part. Well. Heh. You are dead. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
I’m?

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
But you have been granted entrance into a Heaven. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
A Heaven? 

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Yes. A Heaven. But, more importantly, you are, most thrillingly, what we thought was mathematically impossible! You are perfectly 50% White and 50% Black. We do not know where to put you! You have literally no majority or definitive place of belonging! It is fascinating! So now, you must choose where you spend the rest of eternity. White Heaven or Black Heaven.

You now have 8 minutes. Okay then. Any questions?

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Uh… I?

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
None? Good. Good luck!

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Okay… I am dead. Cool. I am going to heaven… cool. Heaven is racist. That makes sense. There is no place for biracial people… also checks out…

            A ding sounds.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Actually, there is an option for biracial people, Hell. Hell does not care about your race so you would also belong there.

            A ding sounds. A new sign, one that looks like the sign for Black and White Heaven flies down. It reads “Biracial Hell”.  

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Perfect.

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Okay. Where to start?

            A ding sounds.  

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
How about with some facts?

            A flip board flies down. It is entitled: RACE PROFILE. It looks like a business presentation. It is a pie chart. It is split down the middle. One half is black the other half is white.  

BIRACIAL WOMAN
My race profile?

50/50. I was just told that.           

            BIRACIAL WOMAN flips to the next page it is the breakdown of her race. It is another pie chart that reads: 50% Black- with 37% Ghanaian regional descent, 12% Haitian, 1% Jamaican. 50% White- 29% English, 17% Swedish, 4% Irish.            

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Only 4% Irish? Damn that sucks.

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
What else?

            A ding sounds. A stack of paper, a list, falls center stage near BIRACIAL WOMAN she reads.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE           
Race points. Based on clothes, music preference, romantic interests, food choices, friends, TV, shows, racial biases, etc.           

            The list actually goes on forever, it should unfold as such. The total is at the bottom. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
White points: 15,973.           

            The number 15,973 appears near White Heaven.  

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Okay. Black points: 37.           

            The number 37 appears near Black Heaven.  

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Oh. Well. I guess that answers that then.           

            BICRACIAL WOMAN heads towards the White Heaven door. The door to White Heaven cracks open “TiK ToK” by Ke$ha begins to play at the chorus. As BIRACIAL WOMAN gets closer BLACK DAD enters from Black Heaven. 

BLACK DAD
HONEY NO PLEASE. NO NO NO. YOU ARE BLACK. YOU ARE A RADIANT BLACK GODDESS. THINK OF OUR FRIED CHICKEN FRIDAYS. YOU PLAYED BASKETBALL. AND WERE GOOD. THINK ABOUT YOUR GRANDPARENTS WHO LIVED THROUGH SEGREGATION. YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR. BROWN SKIN. YOU HAVE A GREAT TASTE IN MUSIC BUT THINK ABOUT HOW MANY WHITE PEOPLE TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULDN’T LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC EVEN THOUGH BLACK PEOPLE HAVE A HUGE FOOTHOLD IN THE SOUTH – PLEASE THINK ABOUT ME!

            As BIRACIAL WOMAN steps away from the White Heaven door and it closes and “TiK ToK” stops playing. The speech worked, but… 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
What the fuck was that? Who are you?

BLACK DAD (Proud.)
I am your Black Dad.

            Holds up black power fist. 

BLACK DAD
Your Black Dad in heaven.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Yeahhh, my dad was not really a big “black power dad” or the “be proud of your blackness dad”.

He was a guy who worked at target, loved being a dad, and never stopped talking. Oh, and he was pretty solidly a republican.

            BLACK DAD exits into Black Heaven and returns to Purgatory in a Target uniform.  

BLACK DAD
“I only voted for Obama the second time!” 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Right!

So, what was that all about?

BLACK DAD
Sorry. I have never had to compete with White Heaven before and it really just turns the pressure up. Usually I am all like “you’re a radiant black goddess” and its soothing. But I feel like I have something to prove, you know? But, but, you are. You are a radiant black goddess.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Aw, thanks.

Wait, “Usually”?

            A ding sounds.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Sorry to interrupt. But it seems we missed 17 Black Points. You considered an African American Studies Minor in college. They will be added to your file now.

            A point ticker sound. 17 ticks are added to where the 37 points were. It now reads 54. There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock.

BIRACIAL WOMAN (making her decision)
I did consider that minor!

            BIRACIAL WOMAN walks towards Black Heaven. The door to Black Heaven begins to open “Truth Hurts” starts playing but as she gets closer… 

WHITE MOM
HONEY PLEASE! DO NOT DO IT! 

            The door to Black Heaven closes and “Truth Hurts” stops playing.  

WHITE MOM
YOU KNOW YOU AREN’T BLACK ENOUGH. YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE LIZZO.

BIRIACIAL WOMAN
That’s not true! 

WHITE MOM
Okay but RAP! YOU DO NOT LIKE RAP MUSIC. AND R&B? FORGET ABOUT IT! PLUS, THINK ABOUT ALL OF MY CASSEROLES- THEY DO NOT HAVE MY CHICKEN POTATOCHIP CASOAROLE IN BLACK HEAVEN. YOUR HAIR ISNT KINKY ENOUGH AND YOU GET SUNBURNED. THEY DO NOT HAVE SUNSCREEN IN BLAC– 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Stop. Okay okay. Stop. You’re right you’re right. Wait. You’re not my White Mom. She’d love Black Heaven and and and and she wore sweaters and baggy jeans. Those yoga pants and extensions are all wrong.

            WHITE MOM goes to change and reenters with the corrections made.

That’s not the point.

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock. BIRACIAL WOMAN takes everything in. BIRACIAL WOMAN walks slowly towards Hell. The door to Hell begins to open releasing the sound of a song from every culture ever at once. It sounds like cats dying and dogs burning and widows crying. She is looking between BLACK DAD and WHITE MOM anticipating a response. A pause.  

BIRACIAL WOMAN
So y’all don’t care if I go to hell?

            BLACK DAD and WHITE MOM say nothing. In that, though, they say everything.  

BIRACIAL WOMAN (to WHITE MOM and BLACK DAD)
Okay ha.ha.ha. Is this a test? Is it? Am I even dead or is this some sick game?

            A beat.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Well? Is it?

            BLACK DAD and WHITE MOM remain silent. It’s not a test. It’s something worse.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
VOICE GUY? VOICE GUY! VOICE. / GUY.           

            A ding sounds.  

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Yes?

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Is this some sort of test?

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Nope. I thought I was pretty clear. Was I unclear?

BIRACIAL WOMAN
If this isn’t a test, then what is it?

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
It’s the system!           

            A pause.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Huh.

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN   
Well what did other biracial people do?

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Not that they had a choice per se, and some of course did go straight to hell. But genetics did, or will, land them somewhere. Let’s see about some celebrities, shall we?

WHITE MOM
Halle Berry- White Heaven.

BLACK DAD
LOGIC- Black / Heaven

WHITE MOM
Heaven denied and sent to Hell. But, Mariah Carey- White Heaven and Maya Rudolf- White Heaven.

            BLACK DAD raises Black Power Fist.

WHITE MOM (winning)
Zendaya- White Heaven

            BLACK DAD lowers Black Power Fist. There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
My family? What did they choose? 

            A ding sounds.  

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Oh. Well they won’t get a choice between the heavens.

WHITE MOM
Your brother Trey? Hell. He’ll choose that. He’s 61% Black but’ll choose Hell. 

BLACK DAD
Your cousin Marlise? 54% White and she’ll choose Hell. She, as you know, hates white people and the thought of that’ll just / be too

WHITE MOM
Your Mom is in White Heaven!

BLACK DAD
Your Dad is in Black Heaven!

BIRACIAL WOMAN
They aren’t together?

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Maddy? Troy?

WHITE MOM
…

            BLACK DAD raises Black Power Fist. BIRACIAL WOMAN towards the Black Heaven side. The door to Black Heaven opens “Truth Hurts” resumes playing and WHITE MOM… 

WHITE MOM
JESUS CHRIST YOU WERE IN A PANHELLENIC SORORITY!           

            The door to Black Heaven closes and “Truth Hurts” cuts out.  

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Okay, damn, that one hurt.           

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
There has to be something that just, just, just gives me an answer!           

            A ding sounds.  

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Ehhem. If I may, academia is pretty cut and dry.

             A book falls to BIRACIAL WOMAN’s feet.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
“Mama’s Baby, Papa’s Maybe”?

BLACK DAD (quoting the text)
“In certain human societies, a child’s identity is determined through the line of the mother, but the United States… is not one of them—

WHITE MOM (quoting the text)
[however]…According to Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s celebrated ‘report’ of the late sixties, the ‘Negro Family’ has no father to speak of”

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Oh, that is a good one. Really complex. U.S. culture says go with the father follow his path…

            BLACK DAD raises a Black Power fist.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
But, then, it says black fathers don’t exist. And you have a black father…

            BLACK DAD puts down his Black Power Fist.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
So, by that logic we thought / you should

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Nonono. My black dad was so super present in my life and so was my black grandpa for both me and my dad. So do you want me to follow this fucked racial trope or what I know?

            A ding sounds. Another book falls to BIRACIAL WOMAN’s feet. There is a loud and echoing Tick of a clock. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Ahh! Okay. “Partus Sequitur Ventrem”, the child follows the condition of the mother…

WHITE MOM
But still mothers / are the path

BLACK DAD
BLACK mothers

WHITE MOM
are the path that children follow into / the care of their loving arms.

BLACK DAD (repeats until WHITE MOM ends, then one more)
Into Slavery. Slavery. Slavery. Slavery.

WHITE MOM
But still the father / leaves them.

BLACK DAD (repeats until WHITE MOM ends, then one more)
White. White. White Father.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
So I’m hearing Black Mothers and White Fathers? And I have a Black Dad and A White Mom…

            A ding sounds.

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
But Biracial / children! 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Who go into / slavery?

            Beat.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Oh I’m fucked.

           There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Fake White Mom?

WHITE MOM
Yes?

BIRACIAL WOMAN
What happens if I go to White Heaven? I get casserole, I get sunscreen, I get those dangerously delicious white men. Sure. But what else? Do I get people touching my hair without asking? Do I get “you’re so tan!” remarks? Am I only able to use Diva Curl and does Mixed Chick’s go out the window? Do I become White or do I remain me? 

WHITE MOM
We do not have “Mixed Chick’s” hair products. 

BLACK DAD
And this is exactly why you / scoot right on over to

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Oh no. I have some questions for you too. Do I not get my country phase? / Do I keep my

BLACK DAD
BLANCO BROWN’S “GIT UP”. HELLO? THE BLACK FOOTHOLD / IN THE SOUTH!           

            BLACK opens the door to Black Heaven so that “Git Up” plays.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
OH FUCK THE BLACK FOOTHOLD IN THE SOUTH.

            “Git Up” stops playing. 

I AM ASKING ABOUT ME. I AM ASKING ABOUT MY BIRACIAL FOOTHOLD IN WHO I AM. I WANT TO KEEP WHO I AM PLEASE.

            For the first time BIRACIAL WOMAN might really lose it.

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Please. Please! Please?

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock. 

BIRACIAL WOMAN
Okay. okay. I can do this. Think, think, think. Your whole life you’ve loved cable knit sweaters, and Starbucks, and clung to your claim to St. Patrick’s Day. But if I had a dollar for everyone who told me I was not white enough… but I am also not black enough… but DAMNIT IVE EARNED MY RIGHT TO HEAVEN.

            There is a loud and echoing tick of a clock.

Ahh fuck it. 

           BIRACIAL WOMAN storms towards White Heaven. WHITE MOM opens the door and we hear “TiK ToK” resume. 

BLACK DAD
YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE POLICE.

           BIRACIAL WOMAN stops dead in her tracks. The door to White Heaven closes “TiK ToK” cuts out.            

BLACK DAD
You tense when a cop car pulls up. People make slave jokes around you and those stab you right in the heart, but you can’t show it. You laugh off the fact that you have had to work twice as hard as any white person but do not get the full credit for it because you have a white mom. You are ignored every time you walk into a Kate Spade store until they hear where you went to college… people assume you are adopted when you are with your mother or poor when you are with your father… do I need to go on?

            BIRACIAL WOMAN has slowly inched her way back to center stage. The loud and echoing clock ticks and ticks.

BIRACIAL WOMAN looks White Mom and Black Dad in the eyes. She takes a deep breath and walks towards the door to Hell. She stands proud in front of the door. No. Angry. No. Disappointed? Nevertheless, this is the choice that must be made- will be made, one way or another. Just as the countdown hits 1 BIRACIAL WOMAN opens the door to Hell, and alarms blare, warning and celebration alarms, and all the sounds of every culture ever plays. 

RACIALLY AMBIGUOUS VOICE
Congratulations!

            Blackout and Silence.  

            End of play.

Hailey Brunson is a Junior Theatre Major practicing and studying acting, directing, costume design, and with this piece ventures into playwriting. She is learning that her bi-raciality is a tool and perspective not often seen/utilized in the theatre cannon and hopes to continue exploring her race through her work. www.haileybrunson.com